Author Archives: Kaleigh

Grief Comes in Many Forms

I’ve been trying to write this blog post for at least two weeks, but I kept stopping because I couldn’t find the right words to tie together all the things I’m feeling right now. But the losses in my life are mounting, so I’ll press on.

My son Jameson was born the week before the country shut down for what we thought would only be two weeks. He’s almost 4 and a half months now, and for the first time, we used his stroller for something other than a walk around the neighborhood or an empty paved path.

People in my family have suffered a lot of loss in the last month. Some of it because of COVID, some of it not. They’ve lost jobs, buried family members, said goodbye to pets, held memorials for friends—moments that are hard to face any day. But now, what feels like a never-ending sentence of social distancing and wearing masks is making it that much harder to face. No hugging. No shoulder pats. No handholding. No indoor funerals. No “let’s go to the bar and drink for an hour so we can forget about how bad it all hurts.”

It’s been in the 90s lately but I keep wearing a mask because I don’t want anyone else I care about to suffer loss, but I especially don’t want them to have to do it alone. I don’t want COVID to continue wrecking us endlessly.

I’ve been thinking a lot about grief these days. We’re all grieving right now. It takes many forms. We’re grieving lost time with the people we’re used to seeing. Big Sunday dinners with extended family. Friday night concerts on the lawn. Weekend getaways by the community pool. Annual picnics and reunions by the lake. Shopping in a store and making an actual impulse buy.

Kids are grieving proms and last days of school and graduation ceremonies. Summer camps they look forward to all year. Sleepovers with friends. Family summer nights where everyone isn’t huddled around their laptops working because they didn’t have enough time to work during the day and keep the kids occupied.

My brother-in-law’s kids are much older than Jameson. And he said something to me weeks ago about how lucky I am that my son’s too young to remember COVID. But the trauma is real no matter the age. it’s just different.

I got to spend a few months learning to be a mom, watching him grow, and then one day, we just stopped playing during the day. I stayed home, but i started spending hours at a computer, stopping every so often to look over and check on him, only to turn back to my screen or my phone or my notepad. He hated it. I hated it. It was miserable.

He’s growing up in a world where he’s barely met anyone, where he’s barely seen anything, where a mask is scary but normal. We went to the pediatrician the other week and the look on his face while I sat next to his stroller wearing my mask was so sad. He looked so scared and unsure. Was that mama? What was on her face?

Now, he gets to spend the day with a few other kids at daycare, and I get to focus on my work, but that time we spent piecing together childcare hurt my heart. He won’t remember it, but I will.

Everyone’s grieving something during this time. Whether it’s a person, a place, a memory, an expectation of what this spring and summer (and soon fall) would bring and didn’t. All our experiences are incredibly similar and yet vastly different. We’re suffering losses in all shapes and sizes. And the neighbor next to us has no idea what we’re facing. Extend some grace. Check on your people. Remember you’re not alone. Someone, somewhere, is thinking of you and itching to reach out. Pick up the phone. We may not be able to stand side by side, but we haven’t forgotten how to care about the people in our lives. I know that much is true.

Community, Genuine Happiness, and Motherhood in the Midst of a Pandemic

Someone I’ve known for a long time shared some good news with me the other day. You know the thing you do when you say, “I’m happy for you!” or “That’s awesome. Congratulations!” but it’s half-hearted? Like you’re scrolling through your phone and you don’t even look up? 

Maybe this only happens to me, but I catch myself doing that often and I hate it. Social media has made it easier to know everything about everyone and often not feel moved by any of it.

This time, that’s not at all how I felt. I felt deeply happy for the person. To the point where I catch myself thinking about what they said and my reaction here and there over the last few days. I had become so accustomed to feeling numb to what I was learning about people’s lives. I was used to feeling on the fringes of this giant community, of knowing so much about strangers and old friends alike, but never really feeling most of it.

This global pandemic we’re in is terrible. Truly. But if there’s one thing we’re getting out of it, it’s community. Which I knew. You can watch all the sappy commercials and read all the articles and hear all the people talk about how we’re alone together. But I didn’t know if I felt it in my life. I didn’t know if it had reached out and grabbed me. 

I’m about a month postpartum. I’m learning there’s nothing like raising a child in the middle of this pandemic. But there’s really nothing like first learning to raise a child in the middle of this pandemic. 

When babies are born, people are so excited to help. Never has community felt more present in my life than in pregnancy. I saw all these people show up for me in that season of preparing for motherhood. Friends, family, coworkers. People who gave their time, their energy, their talents, their hard-earned dollars. People who knitted or crocheted blankets. Who helped decorate for my showers. Who carried gifts out to the car and stayed around longer to pitch in. People who called to check in over the months. People who genuinely wanted to know how I was doing as the weeks ticked away.

When Jameson was born, we were fortunate to have my mom help for a week. When she left, that’s when things really hit the fan with COVID-19. States went on lockdown. Stores shut. Schools closed for not just weeks, but months. Cases went from the hundreds to the thousands to the tens of thousands to now the hundreds of thousands.

For the last few weeks, it’s been just us. No one can come by when we’re exhausted and haven’t slept and just want someone to hold him while we nap. People who wanted to come share a meal and just catch up can’t do that. Family members who wanted to take a trip to meet him for the first time can’t do that. My mother-in-law jokes that he’ll be walking by the time she can see him again, and it’s true. We’re all wondering when it’s over.

And yet. I’ve spent more time on video chats and exchanging messages with people than I can remember. Some, yes, because I have time on my hands to just be (and also no time to breathe at all, it feels like). But also because I know something big they’re going through. I know they might need a check-in. It’s hard to check in with people who you miss when you stop checking in. You run out of knowing what’s going on in their life so you feel like you don’t know what to talk about. But we are all having cyclical conversations here about how life as we know it is different. And it’s never been easier, in some ways, to just show up for people.

I’m really glad to feel like that. I’m really glad to see people showing up—albeit virtually—for the people in their lives who they may or may not have talked to much in recent years. Maybe this is a reset for genuine community. Not just tapping the like button on Instagram and scrolling past. But sending the message. Having the conversation. Making plans. I’m hopeful it continues.

When to Say When

One day back in the spring, driving home from work, Carrie Underwood’s “Starts With Goodbye” came on shuffle on my phone. It’s an old song and I hadn’t listened to the words in years, but that day, I caught myself listening and really hearing the words.

“It’s sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life / starts with goodbye.”

And I couldn’t help but think how true they’d been already that year. How true they are for any big moment in life. Whenever you step forward into something new, you’re stepping away from something old.

For me, this year, that something new has been the journey into parenting. I don’t think enough people talk about that journey, unless theirs was riddled with infertility or miscarriage. And so as someone who couldn’t even take that first step forward, much as I saw the joys of raising a child, I felt alone over those few years I wrestled with the concept. I hadn’t tried and failed; I hadn’t even tried.

But last year, a chain events set off the push I needed to step forward.

Knowing when to say “when” is hard. And it doesn’t get easier with age or wisdom or hindsight. I’ve had a couple crossroads moments in my life and each of those decisions were hard for different reasons. But for the first time, last November I found myself experiencing an all new kind of “knowing when to say ‘when’.” My husband and I had to actively decide when it was time to say “when” regarding our dog’s health.

When someone you love is dying, in all the days and weeks leading up to the end, you never know it’s going to be the last time that memory will be happy. The last time you’ll see them healthy. Until, of course, it is. You expect one more glimpse of their old ways, one more relapse, one more good day.

With Grace, our dog, I’d been preparing to lose her almost since the day I met her. Over the years, I caught myself crying over the thought of losing her, even when she was at her most vibrant and healthy. She’d stand aloof wagging her tail while James reminded me that it wasn’t her time. Not yet.

I’d tell him I already loved her too much, that I was scared how much it’d hurt to lose her. Maybe that’s what those of us do who’ve suffered great losses. We brace ourselves for a pain we’ve felt a few times before. We know how bad it’s going to hurt when everything crashes down.

When she stopped eating everything, no matter what James laid out on the floor, she lost weight dramatically. We were so focused on keeping her alive at all costs that we couldn’t see we were heading straight for a cliff where we’d be forced to make a quick decision: put her to sleep peacefully or risk waking up to find her dead one day.

I was right, of course. Few other losses have hurt as bad as losing her. For a few months, I’d be carrying about my day and feel this unshakeable sadness creep up. And then, exactly 3 months later, thinking about how we wanted to become a family of three again, I got a FaceTime call.

When I answered it, my mother-in-law was sitting on the couch next to my sister-in-law, holding a baby. I knew my brother-in-law and sister-in-law, who’d been married a decade, were in the process of an adoption, but there was no “tell us when you have a baby,” so even they wouldn’t know if and when they’d become parents. And after years watching them walk through an incredibly long season of infertility, I couldn’t bring myself to process what I was seeing on screen. But that’s what it was. They’d been handed a baby boy, unbeknownst to them, hours earlier. They were at a friend’s house playing cards and eating snacks, the friends well aware of what was about to be a life-changing moment for them, when the adoption agent showed up with their little bundle of joy.

We drove across town that night to meet our new nephew. And as we walked into the friends’ bedroom and I saw that baby boy wrapped up tight, my throat closed. I was overcome with gratitude for their story. A story they’d almost given up on, I later learned.

I stood on the sidelines in awe as they called supervisors and put emergency plans in place. They had had classes to teach, meetings to attend, and medical procedures scheduled. All of it was turned upside down.

In the weeks that followed, I watched them learn the basics of caring for a baby: swaddling, feeding, calming him down. I helped screw the crib together. I brought over a container of homemade meatballs and pasta sauce. I asked how I could help. And I felt my heart open up to a goal I’d written down in my planner just a few months before.

I just kept thinking, “What am I worrying about? They had no time to prepare. We would have 9 months. They couldn’t bear to read baby books or websites beforehand. We could learn as much as we wanted. They hadn’t bought anything. We could build a registry and shop on our own, too.”

But my fear hadn’t been about any of that. It was about all the phases of pregnancy. About morning sickness and the risk of miscarriage and the pain of labor. It was about how tenderly you have to carry a baby through 9 months and hope everything goes just right so you get to hold him at the end.

Seeing them, I knew I’d never have complete reassurance about any of that. And I couldn’t help but feel guilty to worry when I was sitting in their family room, watching them like deer in headlights, learning how to keep their child alive from hour to hour. I knew that if I wanted to take the leap, the only thing standing in the way was myself. I’d never really be ready (who is?!) but I had people around me to help figure it out along the way. No matter what, we’d get through.

Here we are. Grace will be gone a year on November 16. And we still miss her fiercely. My throat’s closing up just thinking about it. But we are learning that without losing her, we might never push ourselves into this new season of three. Even though we ached to grow our family. We would’ve kept saying, “Not yet. Soon. Not yet. Soon.”

And why? We wouldn’t have had a good answer for that.

Now, we’re over halfway through the journey. And we’re filled with overwhelming gratitude to think about how close we are to meeting our son. And in the meantime, we’ll read as much as we want and take classes and prepare because we can. For that, my heart is full.

Goodbye Gracie Girl

On Friday afternoon, we said goodbye to our baby girl, Gracie.

When I first met my husband, I’d never had a dog, never wanted a dog, never understood what it was like to love a dog. I’d worked for not one, but two, pet companies. First, a veterinary specialty clinic where I spoke to owners who drove hours across the country for the absolute best orthopedic care for their pup. And then, for a dog daycare franchise’s home office, colocated with one of the daycare centers so I watched pet parents spend thousands of dollars a year because they couldn’t bear leaving their pup at home all day long. I knew in my heart how much people must love their dogs, but I couldn’t feel it myself.

Until about five years ago, working still at the daycare, when I first met Grace. When I walked into the kitchen, a few steps into the house, she started wagging her tail and peed all over the tile floor. In that one moment, I felt my heart soften.

After hours of watching other people with their own dogs, running into the daycare or the veterinary clinic, and still more time spent in the room with two surgical coordinators explaining next steps and estimates to our clients, shouldering the weight of many a desperate phone call about setbacks and pain, about side effects of medications, this moment finally did it. How can someone you’ve never met love you as soon as they lay eyes on you?

Jamie told me he’d been talking to Grace about me, saying how she was going to love me when she met me. I didn’t believe it. But then, I saw them together. And I watched them lay on his bed and he would. He would talk to her about me and say, “See, this is the girl I told you about.” And I realized he had. He had told her about me. She had been waiting for me and she knew, when I walked into that kitchen, that I was the girl he’d been talking about.

I hate that I have to write this in the past tense. I still want to talk about her like she’s right here, waiting at my feet because I’m sitting at the kitchen table so I must be eating, right? But she’s not.

She was a fighter. Her kidney levels first took a turn in July 2017, but she didn’t show it. Even in May, when the vet told us that she needed to go on a new diet, we didn’t believe it. The only signs were her constant need to go for a walk and her excessive thirst. Only a few weeks ago, after several failed diets and some weight loss because she was too stubborn to eat anything but her regular food and treats, did we switch her to a full-blown kidney disease treatment: pills, omega-3 supplements, kidney-specific food. And still, she wasn’t acting differently. And then, all of the sudden, she was. And there was no turning back.

I’m realizing now that unless you’ve ever lost a beloved pet, you won’t understand. I sure didn’t. But losing a pet is like a hundred micro heartbreaks every single day.

It’s the bad things you miss, even though you didn’t expect that you would. It’s expecting her to follow you into the basement to get the laundry, and having to coerce her to come bouncing back up the stairs with you. It’s expecting her to hop off the couch or clomp down the stairs when someone opens a takeout bag of Chipotle, or Chinese food, or Chick-fil-a, or anything really. It’s every thought you have that you’re used to saying out loud, like the phrases you’ve said a hundred times when she goes to nose open the bathroom trash cans, or hop up to get to the trash in the kitchen when you throw something away, or when she doesn’t want to come downstairs when it’s time for you to leave for work, or when you really need to pee before you can take her pee, right when you get home from work, so you tell her to go grab her leash. It’s expecting her to lick the dishes in the dishwasher. It’s not having to leave the light on when you go to get takeout on a Friday night. Or not having to worry about what time you get home. Or not having to put the gate on the stairs. Or wash a hundred rugs because she can’t walk on the wood floor without slipping and she can’t hold her bladder very long.

It’s the good things you miss too. Like the way she’d wait for you to give her a treat after a walk even if you already sat down in the other room, so she’d stand in the hallway staring at you, unwilling to move. Or the way she wiggles into the tinniest spots to sit next to you on the couch. Or the way she climbs over your computer keyboard when you’re trying to type. Or how she sprawls out on the bed like she owns the place. Or the way you joke that she’s well overdue on her rent payments. Or the way she wags her tail and stands on the sofa so she can see you the minute you get home from work. Or the way she always, always, always wants to play with her toys. The avocado and the two Santas and the snowman with no arms. Elmer the elephant she only got because you needed free shipping on an order for her veterinary diet. The slice of pizza bigger than her face. The many toys she tore to shreds within hours. But mostly, it’s the way she sat with you whenever you needed her, like somehow she knew, and maybe she did. Especially on those Sunday afternoons when you were alone for 8 hours, just you and her, while Jamie went to the Redskins games. She always drove you crazy wanting to walk every 30 minutes but you would’ve treasured that time a little more if you knew it would be gone so quickly.

I might’ve only gotten 5 of her 13 years, but every day my heart grew with her. They don’t make ’em all like Grace. She was something fierce, something special, someone you simply can’t replace. I don’t know that I could even try. I just hope she keeps showing up for us, in the smallest places, in the smallest ways.